Anxiety.
Some of us fight it, some of us deny it, and some of us may need help managing it — but I don’t think there’s a single one of us who hasn’t experienced its suffocating grip at some point in our life.
For so many years, I saw anxiety as my enemy. It was an adversary I had to somehow defeat, a roadblock that I had to somehow overcome, before I could experience the full life that God promised me.
After all, the Bible clearly says “be anxious for nothing” (Philippians 4:6) and “do not worry about your life” (Matthew 6:25), not to mention the hundreds of times we’re told to not be afraid.
For years I didn’t know how to reconcile those verses with the reality of anxiety’s presence in my life. I thought the persistent presence of anxiety meant I must not have enough faith. I had this belief, albeit misguided and even harmful, that if only I prayed enough or trusted God more, then I would be free from all anxiety and worry. But it never worked that way for me.
This left me in a crushing cycle of shame, spending years hiding and even denying my struggles.
I didn’t tell anyone how my hands trembled when I was in crowds of people.
I didn’t tell anyone that I went to the bathroom to hide, crying and struggling to catch my breath when I was overwhelmed.
I didn’t tell anyone about the racing thoughts that kept me up at night.
I didn’t tell anyone that I was drowning in a sea of worries that I didn’t know how to calm, no matter how much I prayed.
I had what they call “high-functioning anxiety,” but I ignored my symptoms, pushed them down, denied their impact on my life, and refused to truly admit that I had significant struggles. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, my anxiety became masked beneath layers of relentless over-working, obsessive people-pleasing, and persistent perfectionism.
Shame. Denial. Avoidance. Guilt. These are all the ways I responded to anxiety, the ways I allowed dysregulation in my body to cause dysfunction in my soul.
But then my daughter, who was only 13 at the time, began having panic attacks and was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I couldn’t avoid anxiety anymore. In order to best help her, I had to get really honest about my own struggles. It has not been easy or quick, but over time my perspective toward anxiety has completely shifted.
I now know that anxiety is not an enemy I have to fight, nor is it a roadblock to my faith.
In fact, it has actually been the catalyst that has grown my faith in profound ways. Anxiety has helped me recognize my deep need for Christ, and it keeps me daily turning toward Him.
I now read verses about worry and fear from a new perspective, considering God’s kind heart toward us: when God tells us to not be anxious or fearful, it is not with a voice of judgment and condemnation, but with a voice of gentleness and compassion.
