Healing: Learning to Bond |
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Having good emotional connections is as natural as a plant taking in water. But we are not plants living in the Garden of Eden. Therefore, we require some serious gardening in order to bear fruit. The fig tree gardener planned to “dig around and fertilize” the tree that wasn’t bearing any fruit for a year to help it bear fruit.
Learning to bond when you missed out the first time around won’t happen overnight either. Making human connections when you grew up without them takes a good dose of grace, truth, and time. Here are some skills that will start you on the long road to making changes that heal. |
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You may not realize that your problems stem from a lack of bonding and attachment. Perhaps you grew up in a family where closeness was not valued, or were injured to the point where you have forgotten how to bond. Thus, the first thing you need to do is to realize how much you need attachment.
A careful reading of the Bible will show the value God places on connection. Paul uses the image of the body to make this point: Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. – 1 Corinthians 12:27 You are part of a body, and you cannot be emotionally amputated from the blood flow and expect to thrive.
The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!”… If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. – 1 Corinthians 12:21, 1 Corinthians 12:26 |
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It is wonderful when others move toward you and seek out your heart, for that is what God does. Often, though, others cannot see what you need and how emotionally isolated you really are. Therefore, to the best of your ability, actively reach out for help and support. |
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You can move toward others, get socially involved, and have relationships, but still be isolated. Your isolation may stem from your inability to be open, your inability to show your real self to others. Learn to be vulnerable. The word vulnerable literally means “open to criticism or attack.” You need to be so open with your needs that you are open to attack. Realization of need is the beginning of growth. Humility and vulnerability are absolutely necessary for bonding to take place at a deep level. Being vulnerable at a social level may be too threatening at first.
Maybe you need to start with a pastor, counselor, or support group. But vulnerability is a skill that opens up the heart for love to take root. When you can admit that you need support and help, and can reveal your hurt and isolation, a dynamic is set into motion that can literally transform your personality and life. |
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Challenge Distorted Thinking |
Distorted thinking blocks you from relating to others. This essentially causes you to repeat what happened in the past. Challenge the distortions that keep you in bondage. To the extent that you continue to see the world through your childhood eyeglasses, your past will be your future.
If you don’t, for example, challenge the belief that “all people will leave me,” you will never form an abiding attachment, and you will re-create the isolation of your past. The Lord has promised to reveal the truth to you. Ask Him to show you your particular distortions. But distorted thinking was learned in the context of relationship, and that is the only place where it can be unlearned. You need new relationship to undo the learning of the past; there your real self can be connected in grace and truth and thereby be transformed. |
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To learn new relational skills and the way of attachment, take risks. Listen to Jesus’ invitation: Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with Me. – Rev. 3:20.
You have a responsibility to hear the voice and open the door. People and God will call to you, but if your distorted thinking and your resistance to risk get in the way, you will keep the door closed so that attachment cannot happen. Allow yourself to risk valuing someone emotionally. Risk getting hurt again. This is difficult, but essential. |
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Whenever you begin to allow someone to matter to your isolated heart, uncomfortable needy and dependent feelings will surface. These are the beginnings of a softening heart. Though uncomfortable, these feelings are a key to attachment. Many times you think you need to “keep a stiff upper lip,” but allowing your tender, needy sides to show to the ones you need will cement the attachment and allow it to grow. Continued on the blog... Excerpted with permission from Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud, copyright Henry Cloud. * * * |
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God created us for relationship with Him and with others. On this broken planet, we will get hurt. Making changes that heal our hearts will lead to learning to love and live again. Are you saying yes to life? Come share with us on our blog! We want to hear from you! |
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| Changes That Heal Workbook |
Dr. Cloud helps you move forward with each task, overcome hurdles along the way, and draw closer to God. With chapter-by-chapter reflection questions, application ideas, prayers, and Bible study prompts, Changes That Heal Workbook is a great companion for both groups and individuals. Take your spiritual growth another step in this practical, life-changing guide to your personal healing. |
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Find a Way - The Way - to deeper intimacy with God |
For anyone who feels lost, far away from God, or has faced broken dreams and disappointment about how life has turned out... I completely understand. ~ Ann Voskamp
No matter what season you find yourself in, the WayMaker study will help you navigate the storms of life, and find an internal calm and peace in Christ that is anchored and unwavering. Together, we’ll learn to trust the Waymaker is making more than merely a way through. The WayMaker is making a way to you.”
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