Remember boundaries don’t work when we continue to give too much access to people who aren’t being responsible with that access. And when their level of responsibility is a zero, their level of access to you should also be a zero.
When this is the case, God’s not disappointed in you saying goodbye.
Actually, God modeled this. And we should follow His lead. God actually established this from the beginning of time. Remember, like we discussed in chapter 4, when God communicated the first boundary with Adam in the garden of Eden, He started the boundary conversation with “You are free...” They were free to eat from any of the fruit trees in the garden except the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God was clear: if you live in My holy garden, you have lots of freedom but you will not bring sin into this place. When Adam and Eve brought sin in, they demonstrated they didn’t have enough responsibility to be allowed continued access to the garden of Eden, which is also where they had direct access to God.
God didn’t just make them leave the garden, He made sure to put up guards so they couldn’t ever return. This was in part because Adam and Eve had sinned. The garden was the equivalent to what would eventually become the holy of holies in the temple. God is holy. And wherever God resides is a holy place. Therefore, without the blood of Jesus to cover their sin, Adam and Eve were utterly exposed and the most vulnerable they’d ever been. Remember, generations later when the temple is established, if a high priest went into the holy of holies without being completely purified from their sin, they would drop dead. Adam and Eve were the high priests of the garden of Eden. Their eyes had been opened to evil. They had the taste of it on their tongue. And they had unleashed the consequences of that choice.
Tragically, their sin separated them from God and ended the perfection with Him they once enjoyed. Not only were their bodies now aging toward death and physically decaying, but they had opened their souls up to corruption as well. The pull of the enemy would forever be to entice people’s hearts toward sin and death. The pull of God would forever be toward inviting people into holiness and life. The darkness of sin could not then coexist with the pure light of God’s holiness.
But there was another reason Adam and Eve had to leave the garden, as we discussed earlier in the book. If they had continued to have access to the garden, they may have then eaten from the tree of life. Eating the fruit of that tree of life gave the recipient eternal life (Genesis 3:22). Think about that. Adam and Eve would have forever been stuck in a state of their sin’s depravity and separation from God Himself.
God wanted redemption for Adam and Eve... therefore, He didn’t enable them. He didn’t excuse away the problem they created. He didn’t make an exception and hope for the best. He didn’t allow them to keep sinning in His sacred garden. No, He let them face the consequences of their own choices. He responded to the choice they made and put them out of the garden. It was necessary to end their access to the garden.
They demonstrated zero responsibility in the garden, therefore their access to the garden was taken away.
God didn’t abandon Adam and Eve, but their relationship dramatically changed. God no longer provided a perfect environment where gardening was immediately fruitful. Now, Adam would have to work hard to get the ground to produce food and sometimes his gardening efforts would all be in vain. Adam and Eve no longer had the same kind of provision, power, and authority they once had in the garden. And they and their descendants would forever wrestle between giving in to the pull of the flesh or surrendering to better choices that lead to God’s peace (1 Corinthians 10:13).
We are all still suffering the consequences of Adam and Eve. But the good news is, we have a choice to regain the peace once lost to Adam and Eve. Romans 8:5–6 says,
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
We can also look at Colossians 3:1–5, which reminds us to set our hearts and minds on things above since we are in Christ, which requires us to “put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”
“Put to death” means we take daily action to continually rid ourselves of sinful attitudes, desires, choices, and habits. Boundaries are crucial in living out these verses. If we are working to keep our minds and hearts free from the entanglements of sin, then when people are participating in sinful activities around us, the sin should no longer be enabled by us.
Now, this doesn’t mean we can’t love someone who is in active sin. But it does mean we don’t participate in what they choose to do. And we don’t allow their choices to harm us and start drawing our heart into places of compromise, devastation, or deception.
Again, we all need grace when we mess up. But we also need the awareness that there is a difference between an occasional slip in behavior and an ongoing pattern of behavior. Let’s be completely honest with ourselves and those who can help us discern what’s the best way to respond and move toward healing. If healing is possible together, then take that path toward peace. But if healing isn’t possible if you stay in relationship with this person, then take a separate path toward peace.
- Leslie Vernick, “Topic: Is This an Emotionally Destructive Relationship?,” Leslie Vernick: Relationship Truth Unfiltered, June 13, 2011, https://leslievernick.com/topic-is-this-an-emotionally-destructive-relationship/.
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Leslie Vernick, “How Do I Heal and What Do I Do About My Marriage?,” Leslie Vernick: Relationship Truth Unfiltered, July 21, 2021, https:// leslievernick.com/how-do-i-heal-and-what-do-i-do-about-my-marriage/.
Excerpted with permission from Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa TerKeurst, copyright Lysa TerKeurst.
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