As a teenager, I would have called myself a Christian, and nearly everyone around me called themselves Christians too. I was sure that God existed. To me, He was as real as my family. And I knew that God was more than just the being who created everything; He was also in charge of the world and actively upholding the universe “by the word of his power” (Hebrews 1:3). He not only created the world and sustained it but also guided my life — as described in Psalm 139:
For You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in Your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them. — Psalm 139:13–16
I’d always given thanks to God for His kindnesses to me. And I assumed that my rank in the Duggar family tree — sixth — my brunette hair, and my personality were gifts from God. But before I was fourteen years old, there was a major problem with my Christian identity. Hebrews 11:6 says, Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.
I had the first part down: I believed God existed. But the second part — seeking Him? I wasn’t doing that. Sure, I recited the prayer of salvation when I was younger. But I didn’t really understand repentance. In other words, I wasn’t truly sorry when I dishonored and disobeyed God. From time to time I felt bad about my sin or worried about what my parents would think of me, but I cared more about my own happiness than the glory of God.
By God’s grace, that changed when I was fourteen. I remember feeling terrified that I didn’t truly love Jesus. So I went and found my mom and asked if we could talk. Of course, she said yes. We went into a little prayer closet in our home. I remember crying and telling her that I didn’t believe I genuinely loved God. I knew a lot about how to act, things to do and not to do, but none of it was driven by a love for God. It was more about a desire to perform, look good in front of others, and follow the status quo.
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Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.
— Hebrews 11:6 |
Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. — Hebrews 11:6 |
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I was tired of living this way — trying to be a Christian without God’s help. It was draining, and I was exhausted; my religious tank was empty. I realized that I had been wrestling with these feelings for about a year but was just too embarrassed to tell anyone. I was consumed with worry about what they would think of me. They saw me as a Christian. A “good kid.” My pride did not want to let me admit that I had been putting on a hypocritical show. But I couldn’t stand to exist in that hypocrisy anymore.
I confessed this to my mom and started to cry. - I wanted to really know God. I wanted to love and worship Him and enjoy a relationship with Him for the first time.
I don’t remember what she said to me, but I know I cried out to God and asked Him to save me from my sin.
I had been living for myself, not for God. But that day, a real change happened in my heart. I became committed to living my life to honor God. This change didn’t happen because I prayed a certain prayer with the exact right words. I was simply tired of being a performance artist, a religious playactor, a hypocrite. I wanted the real thing. I wanted a relationship with God. Because pleasing Him was now my top priority, the fear of others no longer consumed me.
I’m still prone to people-pleasing. But making others happy no longer dominates my thinking. In the same way, when I became a true Christian, I didn’t fear death as much. I knew that when I died, I was going to Heaven. Of course, I still didn’t want to get in a car wreck, contract a fatal disease, or encounter a tornado, but I knew in my heart that if anything like that happened, I would be in the presence of God. |
Excerpted with permission from Becoming Free Indeed by Jinger Duggar Vuolo, copyright Jinger Vuolo. * |
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I hope you’re joining us for our Summer Book Club! We will be reading Jinger’s excellent book! Join us! ~ Laurie McClure, Faith.Full |
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Share this devotion with someone who needs it today. |
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Join Our Summer Book Club |
Dive into a new summer read that will touch your heart and ignite your faith. Join us as we read Jinger Duggar Vuolo's extraordinary memoir, Becoming Free Indeed . We assure you, this is a book club experience that you're going to love. There’s no homework involved, just... - Grab a few of your friends and read Becoming Free Indeed together…
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Join our online community of readers…
- Start reading the book…
- Then, join us on July 27th for the Community Chat & Interview with Jinger at 9 pm EST (CAN’T WAIT!)
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As always, because we love FREEBIES! Here’s what you get for FREE when you sign up: -
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SAVE THE DATE Book Club Chat with Jinger Duggar Vuolo July 27th at 9 pm EST | 6 pm PST |
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Step 1. Join the book club Step 2. Get your book and start reading |
Becoming Free Indeed: My Story of Disentangling Faith from Fear |
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New York Times Bestseller SEPARATING TRUTH FROM ERROR
Jinger Duggar Vuolo grew up in the public eye— a reality star on her family's documentaries and TV shows since the age of ten. The Duggar family was known not only for its size (nineteen children) but also their strict, conservative values, most of which were influenced by the teacher Bill Gothard and the Institute of Basic Life Principles. Jinger spent her young life devoted to these principles, which gave her a roadmap for everyday living but also caused much fear and anxiety. As Jinger grew older and surrounded herself with people outside of her religious circles, her faith began to transform. She let go of rule-based practices that bound her and started to better understand the power of Jesus' love and sacrifice by: - realizing she did not truly understand God's love,
- separating truth from dangerous lies she had once believed,
- learning to study the Bible the correct way, and
- accepting that freedom is about the grace of Jesus.
Becoming Free Indeed shares what it was like living under the tenants of Bill Gothard, the biblical truth that changed her perspective, and how she disentangled her faith her belief in Jesus intact.
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